Changes

So it has been a really long time since I have written anything here...my last post puts me to shame since it was written back in 2013...here we are in 2017...

A lot has changed...I'm not entirely the same person I was in 2013...

I've been procrastinating when it comes to writing this. So here it goes...for the most part, I have always tried to be positive when posting anything whether here or on Facebook, or even on my multitude of writing networks. I've always tried to keep this facade that nothing can bring me down. My personal life, and my life as Andene was separated so well...that until a few years ago...nothing could really touch Andene and my love of writing. Andene was always happy, cheerful, sometimes upset, but could always write her heart out...meanwhile it didn't matter what turmoil my personal life went through...writing was my outlet. 

Up until recently, I had everything under control. I could do both and everything else. I could be Andene The Writer, and then be me. 

Unfortunately, part way through writing Not Giving Up and Facilitating Love, things started slipping. They had been changing for a while, and I had been stubbornly trying to push through it...but then it caught up with me. 

I'll start from the beginning...in 2011 I had left school - while this didn't really stop me writing it had a detrimental effect on me, and like my own characters...for example Mia and Fallon...I tried to run and hide from my feelings. Writing allowed me that. I couldn't deal with my own failure and inability to complete my degree in Chemistry. I felt like I let my parents down, my siblings...and I felt that I let my readers and supporters down too. All this time I had been working on getting this degree to help run my Dad's lab (Fallon's back story is real...surprise...) but it wasn't working, something just wasn't clicking. I couldn't continue to fail, and I had to leave to recollect and to rebuild myself. It was the hardest decision I have ever made...but it was the right one. I withdrew from my studies in Chemistry in April 2011. 

That summer was particularly difficult. Denial is not your friend...let me tell you. But I still had my writing...and that is what I did...I continued to write If Only Tonight, and it helped keep me from delving into my feelings. But what do you do when you finish a project? You start a new one...and so as long as I had something to write, I didn't feel too bad about what I felt I had lost. Granted...there were days when it would hit me hard...like in September when everyone was heading back to school and I wasn't. But writing kept me placated. 

2012 I kept on working...I started writing Memory of You a few months after I had finished posting IOT...so much for the break I had said I would take, and then I started posting it once I finished. It was during that summer that I started noticing changes...I wound up with an auto-immune disease - and no...please don't feel sorry for me...I was lucky enough to get treatment and have it more or less resolved - But even so, while I noticed changes it July...I wasn't diagnosed until October 2013...and in the meantime, I still wrote and helped out at the lab. At this point I was finishing MOY and starting to work on two spur of the moment ideas...Not Giving Up, and later I started Facilitating Love.

My family life at this point was in turmoil...I was in denial about a few things...my education, my illness, and writing was helping me get through a big portion of it...but once I was diagnosed and started my treatment in 2013...my two lives which I had kept perfectly separate...started to merge into one. Andene The Writer...was now Andene The Writer who was ill and exhausted. The treatment - which was simple - left me tired out. I would sleep most of the day, and the little time I had, I would stay up at night and try to motivate myself to write or just surf the internet. 

During this time I started to really get to know the people I had met on FictionPress. Vidya, Manar, Jess, Nat...you guys have no idea how much it meant to me to be able to have those conversations with you. It was also during this time I started meeting new people on other forums. 

With my family life and my health kind of upside down...I was pretty much clutching at anything that allowed me to feel normal. A part of me really didn't want to face the reality that I too could be going to writer's block, or that I needed to deal with my feelings over not completing my Chemistry degree...which yes...had turned into a sort of depression. Yes...depression. I was embarrassed, to say the least...but over time I have learned it is not something to be ashamed about. I still have days when I feel like the I can't touch the light, or I can't feel the warmth of the sun light...but I have learned to lean on my family and friends for support and to admit when I do feel this way. It's doesn't help anyone if I hide it...and it just makes things worse for me. 

Anyway...as my luck would have it...the end of 2013 saw me make friends with someone who would eventually help me tackle my unresolved Chemistry denial/depression. 

2014 started with me reflecting, not just about my ten years on FP, but also on what I wanted from my life. The friends I had made had me thinking about whether or not I was a good fit for Chemistry, and if not...where did my true interests lie. 

It was hard to admit that Chemistry and I were just not a good fit. I know it sounds like a relationship...but at that point, it was like how I would assume a breakup/divorce feels like. I had spent my whole life dreaming about being a chemist and running a lab...that this was devastating. All this time I had spent pushing myself, trying to somehow move a mountain and it wasn't budging. I needed to let go. I had known going in that my math was weak at best, but still I had pushed on to try and make my parents proud. Organic Chemistry had annihilated me. Until now, I had never really understood how much of my self confidence those five years had shattered. I was left feeling like I was worthless and I wasn't any good. 

So with the help of a friend...I started looking into programs that interested me. Graphic Design, English...eventually I found Television...which encompassed writing, editing, filming, and studio work. And that's the one I applied to for two different colleges. 

I'll be honest...I felt like I betrayed my parents and Chemistry when I applied to TV. It was weird...I knew my parents were supportive, they had been hoping I would go back to school...but I felt guilty...because here I was...being selfish. Doing something that would be completely mine. I wouldn't be able to help out at the lab anymore...and that bothered me a great deal. 

I learned a lesson here though...You have to move forward and take the next step. You can't just give up, even when you feel like things are not going to get better...you just have to do it, take the next step and get up. 

I am really lucky that my family and close friends were supportive of my choice. And I was even more lucky that on my first try...I got into the program of my choice at the college that I liked. At this point, I stopped my treatment...since I didn't want to start school on a sleepy note. For the most part I have recovered completely...now it only occurs when I get stressed out. 

The next two years went by pretty quickly...more quickly that I could have imagined, or liked...lol...I really truly enjoyed my time in college. While I didn't get much time to write...it helped me rebuild my self-confidence, it allowed me to learn new skills, improve on old ones, and start to recover my love of writing. I learned that this was definitely the field for me. I thrived in it, loved/hated the pressure, and made lovely friends. I loved the camaraderie that came with being a TV student, I loved the fast pace and constant growth. It was everything I wanted and more. 

I learned a lot about myself. I learned my strengths and weaknesses. I learned that I had finally found something I could call home. Chemistry had sometimes made me feel like an outsider, but here...I was a part of something and it was the right fit. It also taught me how to deal with my emotions, depression, and building a strong support network. 

Well, everything comes to an end...and 2016 saw me graduate. I was happy, but also a bit sad...I didn't really know where I was going to be going next...job searching was a pain...and a kind of torture that you don't fully realize until you're out of school. 

While I did eventually find a job, there was still a part of me that I guess wasn't fully resolved. 

November 2016 saw me take part in NaNoWriMo...and while I didn't finish, I did make some headway into All About Tonight - An If Only Tonight Novella. I had also submitted my first script to a competition a month earlier. So...I thought I was on the right track...writing-wise...I know I haven't fully recovered on that front yet. But I am working on it. 

This year, 2017, brought up those earlier mentioned unresolved feelings...university...for my own personal benefit...I still wanted a degree...and so...I decided to apply to some film programs and try my luck...and in July...I got into the program I was hoping for. 

Now this brings back a lot of conflicted feelings. My last experience in university...wasn't exactly the best...and the perfectionist in me...can't seem to settle with trying my best...I need to be the best. I'm scared that this might go awry...but I'm trying not to think about it. I'm really hoping to do well...as well as I did in college if not better (although that experience, I feel, can not be matched...)

The reason I decided to write this...was more or less to explain why I haven't been around much and to let you know that I am starting to feel like my old writing self...I feel like I am starting to recover that part of me that I have been missing for so long. I think that this program is going to be a good change for me, and that I hope by focusing on writing, it will revitalize the part of me that has been struggling to write. 

I'm going to try and spend the next few weeks before I start my degree program...writing...it may be a page, or a few lines...it may be more. But I feel ready to get back to my characters and the worlds that I miss so much. 

A part of why I stopped posting on Facebook and Twitter was because I felt embarrassed...and like I let you all down...like I was frittering away my time not writing...and while not all of those feelings have been resolved...I'm going to try and stop hiding. I'll post about things I like or things I don't like...and when I have something for you to read, I'll post that too. 

I hope that this long winded post will give you some perspective of where I've been and what I've been up to...and if you're going through something similar, just know that it does get better. Sometimes you have to ask for help in order to receive it. It's hard and scary...but at the end it is definitely worth it. 

To my family and my dear writing friends, and non-writing friends, thank you for letting me lean on you...even if it was a little bit...you helped me get this far. To my readers and supporters...thank you my lovelies for sticking around. 

Anyway, here is to a new school year...and more writing!

As always, lots of love!
Andene xxxxx